3 sick kids + 2 sick parents

= loads of TV

The deeper I delve into the social media landscape, the more I realize the beauty that exists in a blog set aside simply for journalling.

Five years ago I wrote my first blog post (not here, but on an old Blogger blog that has since gone private). K was 5 months old.

I knew nothing about influence, online marketing, brands, memes, metrics, SEO, or the rules of blogging. I wrote what I felt compelled to write about. I wrote for myself.

My writing followed the ebb and flow of my life. Sometimes I wrote frequently, other times I let the site rest awhile until I was ready to pick it up again. I felt no obligation to the blogosphere and my writing was never forced. I wrote from my heart.

In five years, I have come full-circle. Instead of trying to fit some niche, I’m choosing to go back to the basics:

No blogging rules.

No direction.

I’m choosing to write from my heart again.

I’m choosing to write for myself again.

And write another post.

And then I caught another stupid illness. I feel cruddy.

Any energy I have needs to go toward the work that needs to be done for My Real Review this week. (If you haven’t checked it out recently, stop by and take a look . . . I slept very little in the month of December transitioning the site from a ‘mom blog’ to an online magazine.)

Oh, and we found out over the past week that our local adoption agency shut its doors due to financial problems. Had we gone ahead and continued our adoption, instead of walking away, we could have been in the midst of another crisis right now. I suppose this is another confirmation that we did, indeed, make the right choice.

We were going to name her Deste.

It’s an Ethiopian name meaning “joy”.

In the fall of 2007, Corey and I began our adoption journey. We always dreamed of having a family that would include both biological and adopted children. In 2008, we completed the educational requirements for becoming adoptive parents (we experienced a miscarriage during this time as well). By early 2009, we had completed our homestudy, all our documents, and our dossier was sent to Ethiopia. It sounds like a series of simple steps, but only those who have actually gone through the process know how emotionally taxing a homestudy can be (the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage, your personality and character traits, and parenting abilities are scrutinized and analyzed in depth).

M was born in May, 2009, which simply meant we couldn’t bring a child home until he was 12 months old. Given the wait times then, we expected to receive a referral before his first birthday and hoped our new baby would join us in mid-2010. In July 2009, our international adoption agency, Imagine Adoption, declared bankruptcy (note that in Canada, you often work with a local adoption agency plus an international agency for inter-country adoptions).

Through the hard work of many, the agency was restructured and was eventually overtaken by another agency. Numerous families have seen their adoption dreams come true as a result. I am genuinely happy for them. I know the rollercoaster ride they endured.

With international adoptions, policies change over time and the adoption wait times for Ethiopia adoptions (especially for an infant girl) began increasing substantially. My health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with endometriosis and treated for anxiety. Our adoption was placed on hold when we became pregnant with E.

In June 2011, we had to make the decision whether or not to update all our documents (a process that would cost thousands of dollars on top of what we had already invested -and yes, we lost thousands of dollars by pursuing an adoption but that really doesn’t play much into why the experience was devastating for us). Due to the changes in my health, we also knew there was a real possibility of being told that we no longer qualified for an adoption. There was no way to know until after we renewed everything.

And then there was the reality of it all. With my health as it is, are we really the best family for a child who is going to need extra help with attachment and bonding issues? It isn’t for lack of love and lack of want, but with three kids now, I know how tiring parenting can be. I also know that adoption is beautiful, wonderful, challenging, and exhausting. I’m no longer the right mom for the job -and that is a hard pill to swallow.

So we closed our file and walked away. I never expected it would end like this and, in so many ways, this is a much harder loss than my miscarriages. Adoption is supposed to end in a baby. I was never told that it might not. Biological children are incredible gifts, and we count ourselves very blessed as a family, but there will always be a hole where we imagined our little Ethiopian princess would be.

Lastly, I deliberately left this post picture-free. During the years of waiting, I anticipated posting the first pictures of Corey and I holding our child, tears of joy filling our eyes, when I announced the end of our adoption journey. There are tears at the end of this journey, but they’re of sadness not joy and there are no pictures of a child in our arms.

I know, I know . . . regular blogging #fail once again. My apologies especially to those of you have asked to be added to my Canadian blogroll -I haven’t forgotten. I have 3 good excuses for kinda ignoring this blog lately:

1. I’m completely reconfiguring and rebranding my Canadian product review website over the month of December. Expect some changes to the layout over here too as I refine my website-design ninja skills.

2. November was spent finishing up yet another Educational Technology course. Completing end-of-term university assignments makes for one busy mom!  I’m now taking a 12-month leave from my program to focus all my energy into my social media business ventures (see point #1).

3. I have a few emotionally deep posts that I want to write but, quite frankly, the thought of putting my feelings on these topics is a bit overwhelming. For example, for the friends and family who have been following our adoption story over the past few years, Corey and I are sad to report that it has officially come to a close. We decided to walk away. It was one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make. Talking and writing about it is incredibly difficult right now, but at the same time I know I need to do this so I can have a sense of closure. So, yeah . . . deep stuff coming soon.

On a lighter note, I have some fun pictures from the past month or so that I have been meaning to post. I’ll probably post those first while I continue to procrastinate on writing the heavy posts!

This is a picture of me. I’m hugging K and holding E (the other child is E when she’s bigger according to K). The pink circles surrounding us are hearts.

I must be doing something right to deserve such a happy picture!

At the grocery store checkout, I discovered that M was holding a couple extra cans that I knew I didn’t grab.

Because we don’t have a dog.

I looked at my adorable little thief and said, “Swiper, no swiping!!”

He replied, “Oh, man!”

I was kinda hoping that watching Dora the Explorer would teach him Spanish, not start him down the path to a life of petty crime.

Drinking caffeine,

That’s combined with eggnog,

Greatly improves,

My ability to blog.

Espresso or Chai,

My thanks will not stop.

My cup will be emptied,

To the very last drop.

With a drink in my hand,

My cup gets a kiss.

Oh, Christmas beverages,

You bring me such bliss!

The vibrant colours of changing leaves make fall one of my favourite seasons (despite all the west coast rain).

And, I’m excited to have a camera that can actually capture their brilliance!

This mapletastic photo makes me feel nicely Canadian.

Well, my blogging world that is . . .

I bought an iPhone 4S yesterday and can now blog from my phone.

Anytime. Anywhere.

Seriously, this opens so many doors as there are times that I see something weird/awesome/hilarious and want to share it but I can’t remember it the same way by the time I get to my laptop.

I, for one, am super excited about the way this will change the tone of my blogs.

I *heart* technology!