Our Adoption Story

We were going to name her Deste.

It’s an Ethiopian name meaning “joy”.

In the fall of 2007, Corey and I began our adoption journey. We always dreamed of having a family that would include both biological and adopted children. In 2008, we completed the educational requirements for becoming adoptive parents (we experienced a miscarriage during this time as well). By early 2009, we had completed our homestudy, all our documents, and our dossier was sent to Ethiopia. It sounds like a series of simple steps, but only those who have actually gone through the process know how emotionally taxing a homestudy can be (the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage, your personality and character traits, and parenting abilities are scrutinized and analyzed in depth).

M was born in May, 2009, which simply meant we couldn’t bring a child home until he was 12 months old. Given the wait times then, we expected to receive a referral before his first birthday and hoped our new baby would join us in mid-2010. In July 2009, our international adoption agency, Imagine Adoption, declared bankruptcy (note that in Canada, you often work with a local adoption agency plus an international agency for inter-country adoptions).

Through the hard work of many, the agency was restructured and was eventually overtaken by another agency. Numerous families have seen their adoption dreams come true as a result. I am genuinely happy for them. I know the rollercoaster ride they endured.

With international adoptions, policies change over time and the adoption wait times for Ethiopia adoptions (especially for an infant girl) began increasing substantially. My health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with endometriosis and treated for anxiety. Our adoption was placed on hold when we became pregnant with E.

In June 2011, we had to make the decision whether or not to update all our documents (a process that would cost thousands of dollars on top of what we had already invested -and yes, we lost thousands of dollars by pursuing an adoption but that really doesn’t play much into why the experience was devastating for us). Due to the changes in my health, we also knew there was a real possibility of being told that we no longer qualified for an adoption. There was no way to know until after we renewed everything.

And then there was the reality of it all. With my health as it is, are we really the best family for a child who is going to need extra help with attachment and bonding issues? It isn’t for lack of love and lack of want, but with three kids now, I know how tiring parenting can be. I also know that adoption is beautiful, wonderful, challenging, and exhausting. I’m no longer the right mom for the job -and that is a hard pill to swallow.

So we closed our file and walked away. I never expected it would end like this and, in so many ways, this is a much harder loss than my miscarriages. Adoption is supposed to end in a baby. I was never told that it might not. Biological children are incredible gifts, and we count ourselves very blessed as a family, but there will always be a hole where we imagined our little Ethiopian princess would be.

Lastly, I deliberately left this post picture-free. During the years of waiting, I anticipated posting the first pictures of Corey and I holding our child, tears of joy filling our eyes, when I announced the end of our adoption journey. There are tears at the end of this journey, but they’re of sadness not joy and there are no pictures of a child in our arms.

Tagged as: adoption